Heartlands Hospital. Ive seen my fair share of it, but never as a patient.
I made my way to the day assessment unit (DAU) with my notes to hand. My wide leg velvet palazzo's which I had picked up from my latest trip to Dubai to match my velvet sweat top from Zara was my go to for winter comfort as well as warmth throughout this period. It was still chilly outside. I was beginning to feel like an oversized secret with my vintage style maxi coat draped over me that I had made back in 2012; it was still getting me through from season to season - although the wear and tear of the lining was beginning to take a beating with the unraveling threads making way for an ever gaping hole in the inside seam. I really need to get it fixed.. or maybe its time I made a new one?
Waiting in the dull room, beanie hat & scarf hugging my neck and face, there I sat on an ever confining chair. There was no getting comfortable - but as the days went by it was getting obvious that 'comfort' was becoming a distant memory. I pulled out a banana from my bag and ate it like I had not seen food in a week. After some time a midwife came out from the room adjacent, thank god, I was beginning to think they had forgotten about me. I prepared to take my coat off to get on with the second scan, and before I got the chance to pull an arm out... with a disturbed face and troubled eyes the midwife stopped me. She would be the barer of my bad news.
"Unfortunately you are being admitted, we are sorry to keep you but we are awaiting a Docter to speak to you so we can plan what happens next"
My instant reaction was confusion... "I need to stay here? I can't leave? Why??"
"The doctor will do best to inform you, please wait here and do not go anywhere."
I was planning to head back to the studio, I had work to do. Lots of it. I couldn't stay here? What does she mean? Admitted? What for? I'm fine? I *am* fine?.. Ive been fine for over 6 months, I don't understand what has changed... When & how?... and now...why?
Finally, the comfort of a reclining chair - big and blue it would be my cosy hug for the news to follow. My mind drifting far and further to every awful scenario I could think of. The heat of my body was rising; I was always cold blooded, I used to feel every chill - my hormones were all over the place now with the increase in body temperature with pregnancy, I began to realise how much of a bad idea it was to wear a woollen hat. With no option but to keep it on with the passing of male doctors, I began to feel disorientated as my nerves were rising.
My knees were in such close proximity to the Dr's scrubs as she sat opposite me, we were almost touching. I looked at her glazed over, holding my tears back from what was to come.
"Do you know why you are here?" I shook my head in silence... "Ok, I understand it has been a long day, however we have found that there is an absent blood flow to baby.."
A.B.S.E.N.T. My mind clenched onto that word like a dog with a bone, my body froze & everything else thereafter was a blur of words.
not present in a place, at an occasion, or as part of something.
"most pupils were absent from school at least once"