I had just got back from an amazing time with my family in Lebanon - for those of you who followed my travel journey on snapchat, will know I had so much fun and many of you contacted me claiming it had inspired you to make it your next holiday destination! It could not have been a more perfect time mashaAllah. Upon returning to the UK ready to get back into full swing in the studio and immersing myself in clients & weddings all over again I was slow to realise that I had missed my period.
There was no other typical signs that I had noticed, except a gut feeling that was looming but ignored... eventually I took the test, and well, there it was. PREGNANT.
I can't quite say I was excited in this moment, but more scared of the unexpected & seeing my whole life change with that one word - the very first thought after was how long do I have? WHEN will baby arrive - and to my dismay the due date fell in my busiest time of the year. I was fully booked with clients, and my meltdown had begun. I didn't know how i was going to manage this new experience alongside continuing to keep hold of normality & momentum with my work.
After making the visit to the surgery to declare my new status. I decided once I left that I would shut it out. If I didn't talk about it, it wasn't happening. If I kept busy & continued as normal, it was not slowing me down.
And that was that, my hidden secret.
I was never a broody person, I would stay away from babies in general & look at them from a 'safe' distance. Always hovering over the baskets, & never feeling the urge to pick them up. I don't know why this was, but they simply never interested me. I still feel quite numb to this, I dread being handed over a baby, the feeling of being uncomfortable seemed to become heightened as I got older. Maybe its my love for working, being independent, perhaps a bit selfish to my being, that I would see them as the change I feared. Being solely dependent on the adults in their lives, stripping away everything they know. These little humans who arrive & change the dynamics of everyone around them.
Don't get it mistaken, I *like* children - the ones i can play with and hand back before the end of the day. As for my own, it was never something i really gave much thought to, just something that one day (God willing) would just happen...
I spent the first 6 months of my pregnancy like nothing had changed. I faced no morning sickness, no cravings, no symptoms to suggest I was pregnant aside from the need to sleep MUCH more, and of course the inevitable slowly but surely growing bump. My clients throughout this time were non the wiser; even though the entire dressmaking experience is so personal and I spend so much one to one time with my brides - they had no idea. I felt quite accomplished to have successfully got this far without it becoming the elephant in the room (quite literally!), and it would stay this way until I got found out. After all, my number one priority was my brides, keeping them as my main focus & of course making sure that each and every lady was the hot topic. Not the cooking bun in the oven.